Monday, January 4, 2010


My loyal fans will undoubtedly remember that my last post ended on a stinky note. And since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the last six months and the myriad of changes my daughters excrement has gone through. I don’t know, maybe I’m becoming a fecalpheliac. Perhaps I’ll find myself scouring the internet at 3 in the morning looking for the fabled TWO GIRLS ONE CUP video. At any rate, I gotta get this “shit” off my chest. So, I’ve decided to dedicate this whole post to baby shit in all its glory. And I promise, this will be the last time you hear me talk about shit--for a while at least.
Baby crap is pretty strange, the consistency changes a lot, as does the color and texture. Its like a stinky ass present from your great aunt with dementia, you never know what you are gonna get. The flavors are as follows:
Meconium: Your baby's first turd is a greenish-blackish goop that looks like tar. It's composed of materials ingested during the time the infant spends in the uterus: intestinal epithelial cells, lanugo, mucus, amniotic fluid, bile, and water. Meconium is almost sterile and has no odor. It’s thick and goopy but, surprisingly, doesn't stain (sorry, no finger painting). It will take a day or two to pass. After that the poops will be transitional --maybe greenish and yellowish at the same time, and highly variable in consistency.
Breast-Fed Crap: If you breastfeed, your baby will have mustardy yellow poop with a highly variable consistency, sometimes it will look curdy like scrambled eggs, other times it will be seedy (like your baby has been living on a diet of sesame seeds, its fucking weird). Very watery poop in breast-fed babies may look like diarrhea to the layman, but on the contrary, is perfectly normal. And as mentioned in a previous post (Battle of the Butt Wipes) breast-fed shit has next to no odor (thank God).
Bottle-Fed Shit: Bottle-fed poop is usually more brown in color, as well as more odorous (a lot more odorous). Its texture and consistency is also highly variable, but it seems to lean towards a pudding of some sort.
When a Baby Starts Solids: From what I hear, I haven’t reached this stage in fatherhood yet, solid foods will make your baby's shit change radically. You'll see a lot of what the baby eats again in its diaper (“reruns”) and his/her movements may be highly irregular as baby’s intestines learn to digest new foods. And if I had to guess, I bet the odor will increase ten fold, based on previous experience. Baby shit, like vampires, seems to get stronger with age.
So, as you can see, you never know what your gonna get. You might get explosive bowel movements ("projectile poopy") every 20 minutes, or no poop for days (beware when it finally comes). Some babies poop in their sleep, some as they nurse. Some worry their parents for weeks and then have five explosive shits in half an hour (oh joy!). Fortunately, as your baby's intestines mature, it will probably crap less frequently. Try not to worry too much about your baby having "regular" bowel movements. My daughter once went four days without so much as a fart. As long as the baby seems happy, it's probably pooping the number of times it needs to.
Well, I hope you have found this tutorial as cathartic as I have, and I look forward to “shooting the shit” with y’all again real soon. Until next time, this is Notelgge, peace.


  1. you are hilarious. I am enjoying your reads.

  2. oh right and when babies do start solids, it smells AWFUL. I can smell my kid from a mile away when he takes a dump. I miss the BF poops.. ::sigh::


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