The only book I found of any significance was The Expectant Father by Arim A. Brott, and Jennifer Ash. And although this is definitely the best book out there for soon-to-be fathers, sadly, I still found it lacking. It was sugar coated and watered down (but at least it didn’t make the assumption that all people having a baby are married), I like my info like my booze--100 proof.
That’s why I’ve compiled this list. It’s the shit that no one tells you, the shit you won’t find in any book, raw and uncut. Feel free to comment and add to it. Because fatherhood is a wild ride, and sooner or later we all need fucking help.
1. YOUR SEX LIFE IS OVER (at least for a little while)
"Anyone got another quarter?"
You’ll be jacking off A LOT! Sure you may have been going at it like a couple of velociraptors in heat before the baby came, most likely your chick was hornier than a dog with two dicks, but that’s all over now. As a matter of fact, for the next couple of months, her snatch is going to look like a pound of ground round that had a firecracker in it. And after that, the baby is sure to get in the way of any love making attempts (trust me, I know). So essentially, you’ll be back to dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters. My suggestion is you start visiting youporn and xtube, two totally free sites where you can view porn till your little hearts content and your hand is sore.
2. OLD HAGS WANNA TOUCH YOUR BABY
"What's your name cutie?"
All the guys at work kept telling me how lucky I was, to be having a kid, because chicks love babies. “Wait till you go to the mall,” they said. “You’ll have to fight them off with a stick!” What they failed to mention was, I’d have to fight them off with a stick because, they’d look like they starred in Night of the Living Dead. Trust me, it’s never the swimsuit model with the low cut blouse and the enormous tits that wants to come over and pinch your baby’s cheeks. It’s the crusty old cunt with three teeth and a moustache. And they never ask, they just come over and do it like it’s their god given right, just because they’ve been around since Moby Dick was a minnow.
3. BABIES HAVE PROJECTILE SHIT
"Yummy! Yum! Yum!"
Yes, just like The Exorcist, only it comes out the other end. At first I thought my child was special, like a mutant or something, and maybe I would be able to exploit this uncanny ability for profit. But after talking to a few of my friends with kids, I found out this is actually quite a common occurrence. Kids across America are squirting hot mustard, for distance, as we speak. Why does no one tell you these things? It’s like there is some big conspiracy to cover the truth up about babies. Maybe they’re scared people will stop reproducing if they know the truth, and it will be the end of the human race. I don’t know. But like I said, tell me your stories. I know there is some shit I missed, so comment away. Until next time, this is Notelgge signing out, peace.