HANSEL AND GRETEL book review

I wish to apologize to my loyal readers. I know it’s been awhile since my last post, but life and work have been getting in the way of writing, lately. My baby girl just hit her seventh month mark, and she is getting more vocal, mobile (she now rolls across the floor) and demanding of my time. But I suppose that’s part of fatherhood, though. Your priorities change. The time you once spent watching TV, or reading in the evening, is now occupied by patty cake and chunky board books with their thick pages; and the hours and days seem to roll away like so many marbles spilled across the floor-- but the truth is, you wouldn’t have it any other way. But I digress.
Since my daughter is now showing a greater interest in the books and stories I read her (shrilling in delight at the mere sight of a book), I decided to make this post of the literary sort and focus on one of my favorite childhood books; The Little Golden Book classic, Hansel and Gretel. As far as I can tell this book is out of print and if I had to guess one reason why, I would have to say it had something to do with the books dark nature. Which is a real shame considering it has some beautiful art work by renowned children’s artist Eloise Wilkin, not to mention the story just kicks ass.
It’s one of those old-school stories that isn’t worried about scarring children. As far as I’m concerned, children have it way too easy these days. They live in a hermetically sealed bubble that doesn’t prepare them for the real world. We didn’t have plastic safety scissors when I was a kid, or car safety seats for fucking school-aged children, or the v-chip, or any other of the crap that is turning America’s children into a ineffective group of plump vaginas, but somehow we all survived.

The story of Hansel and Gretel is one of those rare books that give children an unapologetic glimpse of the world. It’s a story that lets children know the world is full of evil, and you better be on your toes if you expect to make it out in one piece. I’m not advocating we leave our children to the wolves, by any means, but the sooner you show them our society isn’t all Elmo and apricots; the better off they’ll be. But once again, I digress.
Hansel and Gretel is a medieval fairytale, recorded by the Brothers Grimm, about two young children who out smart a witch. The story starts in the cottage of a dirt-poor woodcutter, as his evil-bitch of a wife convinces him to abandon his children in the woods, as there is not enough food to feed the whole family. Proving once again, some simple motherfuckers will do anything for the pussy.


The next day the evil stepmother leads the to children out into the woods to die, but Hansel, being smarter than the average German boy, leaves a trail of pebbles back to the house enabling him and his sister to find their way home. The stepmother, being dumb as shit and angry as hell, attempts the same plan again This time Hansel (being fresh out of rocks) leaves a trail of bread-crumbs that get eaten by birds, leaving the two children lost in the woods.
Unable to find their way home, Hansel and Gretel wander around the forest (hungrier than hostages) until they stumble across a candied gingerbread house, which they begin to eat . Unbeknown to them it is the house of an evil old witch who eats children. She lures them inside, only to throw Hansel in a cage and force Gretel to do housework. The witch feeds Hansel the “best kind of food” with the intention of fattening him up, while Gretel is left to do housework all day. Seeing how the witch’s eyesight is pretty bad, she feels Hansel’s finger daily to see if he is fat enough to eat yet, but Hansel (showing his ingenuity again) holds out a chicken bone instead of his real finger, and buys himself some time. Eventually the witch gets tired of waiting and says fuck it, and has Gretel light the oven to cook her brother. After a while, the witch tells Gretel to check if the fire is hot enough and Gretel replies she doesn’t know how. The witch calls her stupid and puts her own head in the oven (not one of her better ideas) in an attempt to show Gretel how. But wouldn’t you know it, quicker than flies Gretel comes up behind her, kicks her in, and slams the door shut; burning the old bitch to a crisp. After Gretel lets her brother out of his cage, they fill their pockets with jewels from the witch’s hoard and decide to find their way home. Coincidentally, as they wonder through the forest, they happen to meet their ecstatic father who has been searching for them tirelessly. They are informed that their evil stepmother has gone away forever (one gets the feeling she was actually the witch, but it is never stated outright), and seeing how they are now rich they can all live happily ever after.
According to Wikipedia Hansel and Gretel is one of the first cases of industrial espionage. Supposedly, “during medieval times when the story happened, the patent system was not in place yet and all trade secrets were handed down as family lore. Allegedly, the recipe for gingerbread was one such trade/family secret and the villagers sent out two children, i.e. Hansel and Gretel, to spy on the woman who owned the recipe. The children were caught by the woman and incarcerated but well fed. The villagers, however, came to their rescue and in the process killed and burned the baker. The tale was spun as a cover-up for the crime.” I don’t know whether this story is true or not, but its interesting none the least, and a perfect ending to this post. Five out of five beers.
Notelgge

SEUSS GOES GREEN!

Long before it was trendy to “go green”. And long before the world was full of granola chewing pseudo-hippies, patchouli stinking tree huggers, and barefoot bitches with dirty feet and hairy pits; Dr. Seuss was doing his part to save the planet. That’s right, The Lorax (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Wilford Brimley of Cocoon fame) is probably my favorite Dr. Seuss book, and I only care about the planet remotely. That in itself, should speak volumes about the strength of this book. It’s absent of the usual spontaneous madness associated with the good old Dr., but so is the boredom he often induced (in parents) with one nonsensical rhyme after another. Instead we’re left with a book which not only has weight and purpose, but is a joy to read with children.

The story opens with a boy going to the shitty end of town to visit the Once-ler (our faceless, bodiless narrator) and learn about the Lifted Lorax. The now remorseful Once-ler recounts on how he first arrived where they now stand, back then a colorful forest full of fantastical creatures and trees with woolly tufts called Truffulas. Smitten by the beauty of these gorgeous trees he greedily chops them down to produce and mass-market a strange garment called Thneeds ("It's a shirt. It's a sock. It's a glove. It's a hat.") a thing that he insists "everyone needs". As the demand for Thneeds grows the trees and animals swiftly disappear. The Lorax, self-proclaimed “tongue of the trees”, repeatedly warns the Once-ler, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. Eventually the land is left scorched and desolate and the Lorax lifts himself, by the seat of his own furry ass, and floats away through a hole in the smog, leaving the Once-ler alone to contemplate his fuck-ups.

At this point and time, I find it necessary to interject, and spout yet another one of my brilliant theories, indulge me if you will. It's no secret that Seuss was a raging liberal and I am certain, without a doubt, that The Lorax is living proof of this (check out my Green Eggs and Ham review for further proof), it's all in the subtext. Observe the facts: the title character roundly rejects the American tenets of hard work, the pursuit of happiness, and free enterprise; and more than once the Lorax is referred to as being lifted (for you squares out there, that’s slang for high), and who likes to get high more than flag burning liberals. Moreover, the Bar-ba-loots look strangely familiar to The Grateful Dead’s dancing bears, and we all know The Grateful Dead is the band of choice for morally bankrupt hippies. Not to mention the book is chock full of brightly colored undulating illustrations reminiscent of an LSD trip. So, if you have no qualms about you child growing-up, chaining themselves to a tree, and changing their name to Rainbow, then I highly suggest you run out and purchase a copy of The Lorax. It recieves my "highest" honor, five out of five beers.
Notelgge

I DO NOT LIKE SPOILED HAM, GO SCREW YOURSELF SAM-I-AM: GREEN EGGS AND HAM book review

I suppose I could get all collegiate on your ass and tell you how Green Eggs and Ham is an allegory for big government’s intrusion into our personal lives. It starts with an annoying little imp named “Sam” (who is obviously an allusion to Uncle Sam and a member of the thought police) intruding on a citizen reading a book. This quest for knowledge, by an average citizen, undeniably threatens the powers that be. So, Sam sees fit to feed this citizen (who apparently isn’t even worthy of a name) a steaming plate of rotting meat and eggs in the place of knowledge. In an attempt to retain his sense of identity and escape this home invasion, the poor citizen flees his domicile with Sam in hot pursuit. Over the span of the next 46 pages, Sam badgers, harangues and essentially endangers the citizens life by hitting him with his car, driving him up a tree, and then onto the roof of a moving train, only to be smashed into a ship at sea. Finally, our nameless protagonist, physically and morally defeated submits and eats the rotting plate of protein. And to the disgust of any healthy minded reader, not only does our fallen hero like the putrified (in every sense of the word) meat, but he loves it! And in one fell swoop democracy dies.

"Rotten meat anyone?!"

Therefore, the undeniable lesson of this book is, one must conform to social pressure or terrible things will happen to you. And in the end, not only will you eat the rotten shit the government feeds you anyway, but you’ll like it. Hell, you’ll love it! So, essentially this book is 1984 for children. But for those of you who prefer not to read between the lines, I guess this book is about the importance of getting your kids to try new foods, because they might actually like them. Either way this is a great book for children and the fourth bestselling children's book of all time.
Pretty impressive seeing how the book only uses a combination of 50 different words, being: a, am, and, anywhere, are, be, boat, box, car, could, dark, do, eat, eggs, fox, goat, good, green, ham, here, house, I, if, in, let, like, may, me, mouse, not, on, or, rain, Sam, say, see, so, thank, that, the, them, there, they, train, tree, try, will, with, would, you, fuck. Just kidding, fuck isn’t in there, but it should be!
At any rate, every kid deserves a least one Dr. Seuss book, and I can’t find one reason why it shouldn’t be this one. As such, five out of five beers. And remember, Big Brother is watching.

SAGGY BAGGY ELEPHANT book review

BY K. & B. JACKSON * ILLUSTRATED BY GUSTAF TENGGREN

Did you know that studies suggest reading to your child at an early age helps them understand language sooner, and improves your infant’s ability to concentrate and absorb information, thus improving their intelligence? Sure maybe they only listen to it for 30 seconds at a whack and your left reading Tawny Scrawny lion to deaf ears, but we at Pater’s Potpourri believe the benefits far out weigh the abject humiliation you feel from reading to no one.
Having said that, we are proud to bring you Pater’s Potpourri’s first book review, featuring one of the many great books in the LITTLE GOLDEN BOOKS series: The Saggy Baggy Elephant.
I love LITTLE GOLDEN BOOKS, I must have had a hundred of these things when I was a kid, and I always seemed to gravitate to the old-school ones from the 40’s and 50’s. Especially the ones with the simple, rich and colorful illustrations by Gustaf Tenggren (a man who cut his teeth at Disney with films like Pinocchio, Snow White, Fantasia and Bambi), and the Saggy Baggy Elephant is no exception.
This is a good book to read to children because it’s socially conscious and teaches them not to feel bad about the way they look. The story will especially hit home if your kid is a little fat ass like the Saggy Baggy Elephant. It also teaches children not to judge others too harshly, which is a valuable lesson for all children to learn, because as J.M. Barrie taught us in Peter Pan; children are cruel (hey, I may be a dick, but even I realize there is a children’s world and an adult’s world, and as such is our duty as adults to raise kind and responsible human beings)!
But what really makes me go gay for this book is the illustrations. I am a lover of art (from classical to low-brow) at heart. And though these paintings may appear simplistic to some, they are still capable of invoking primal emotions felt by all. Even without the text one could follow the images and walk away with a perfect understanding of the book. And for this reason alone this book receives 5 beers.